Breaking News from Ripe News Service -
It has been found that President Bush did not attack Iraq for oil as has been reported since the day of the initial invasion. That story was a straw dog designed to deceive even the very elect of the "Progressive Liberal Democrats". Ripe News Service has now discovered the truth behind the invasion. Oil was high on the list of reasons Bush lied to fool congress into backing his attack on the poor misjudged Sadamm Huesein
The real reason was WATER!
A nephew of a senator (who shall remain unnamed) today revealed revelations from a Secret Whitehouse Memo. "I got it from a very reputable source", he said.
It came from a Household Engineer who works in Washington D.C.. She goes out with a Food Preparation Manager that knows a Food Preparation Engineer who has a neice that has a nephew (different from the first one) that is on the staff that empties waste receptacles at the Whitehouse. This Secret Whitehouse Memo traveled quite a distance before someone realized it's value. Found was an odiferous slip of paper with the words, "Bottled Water" heading it. Key code words such as, 'White Bread', 'Dressing (oil and vinegar)', and 'Dry Cleaners' also showed the value of the Secret Whitehouse Memo. The nephew of a senator (who shall remain unnamed) realized the importance of the slip of paper as soon as he saw it on eBay. He quickly put in a proxy bid (for an unrevealed amount) that won the auction. The closing bid was $18.75.
"Some guy named Bidjumper kept nudging it up but he didn't get anywhere near my proxy."
Once the nephew of a senator (who shall remain unnamed) got the unostentatious Secret Whitehouse Memo the tough task of deciphering it became an obsession
"It was tough to figure it out at first", said the nephew of a senator (who shall remain unnamed), "But once I got past the first part of the code it all fell into place. The trick was I had to ignore a lot of extra stuff that was put on the Secret Whitehouse Memo. It wasn't quite enough to fool this prying one."
"'White Bread' is what those racists in the Bush Regime are going to be making. They won't share any of it with people of color. Colin and Condi won't see a dime of it. The 'Dressing' is the lies they told to get the war in Iraq initiated. 'Oil and vinegar' is oil (That almost stumped me) and the vinegar is the WMD's! 'Dry Cleaners' is where they are taking the entire country of Iraq since they they ousted the pitiable one true elected ruler if Iraq."
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
It has now been proven beyond anyones doubt, through ships manifests and logs, that it is not oil that is being shipped to the United States from Iraq but water. Halliburton is playing a major role in directing the Euphrates to the secret loading docks where the U.S. Navy boats are illegally being used to transport the ill-gotten booty.
The fact that the U.S. Navy boats are doing this illegally was verified by the suspicious answer given to our reporters on the scene in Iraq. They found one U.S sailor, who refused to identify himself but said, "Heck! Their just flushing the heads. What are you talking about?"
THE TRUTH REVEALED!
"That's why the Secret Whitehouse Memo was headed off with 'Bottled water"! said the excitable nephew of a senator (who shall remain unnamed). The whole plan is to corner the bottled water industry. They got all that water from the Euphrates and they are scooping it all up. Heck! They aren't even boiling it before they stick it in the jugs. People in America need to check the labels of the bottled waters they are buying. If you find an 'R' in a circle that means Republican. Don't buy it. Iraqi fish have peed in it!"
This story has been verified through various Urban Legend websites including Snopes.com - You might have to dig a little deeper to find it and piece it together with bits and pieces from various urban legends but the whole truth is in there. It took me hours to find it all. A word here and half a sentence there...
You don't need to waste your time looking though.
Just trust me...
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