Tuesday, July 11, 2006

New Classified Documents Revealed!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

This one is hot off the wire.

We thought that revelations of the classified NSA program and the SWIFT program (supposedly set up to catch terrorists) were hot news (THANKS NEW YORK TIMES AND LOS ANGELES TIMES!) but this tops them both!

We cannot say which newswire this is hot off of because reporters like to keep their sources close to the vest so to speak. In fact newsgatherers do a better job of keeping their material classified then the Federal Government does. (Having what the right wingers call 'traitorous moles' in the government helps:-)

The MSM also has a good understanding of the reasons for keeping resources hidden. Otherwise the American People would not be informed of secret programs that the current regime has prepared to enslave them. Who cares if terrorists find out about the classified programs too. The important thing is that the news gets out to protect innocents. After the Classified Information is placed on the World Wide Web some of these same innocents might get hit by shrapnel from an uncaptured terrorist. Oh well! Small price to pay as long as we have our freedoms. (place flag logo here)

At least we know we are patriotic even if the rabid, hatemongering, homophobic, anti-multicultural, bigoted, islamophobic, anti-immigrant, sneaky, treacherous, deceitful, capitalistic, underhanded, anti-anarchistic, radical, conniving, double-crossing, shifty, fanatical, deceptive, pro life, bourgeois, false-hearted, unscrupulous, pro-Christian, delusive, incontinent, dissembling, evil, wicked, mean and nasty, right winged, trailertrash that President Bush calls his base doesn't.
(place burning flag logo here)

We know you are anxious so here it is:

Anti-Bush Enthusiasts To be Placed in Gitmo!

Guantanamo Bay will soon be empty after the Supreme Court gets finished usurping President Bush's power grabbing circle of thugs. Recent classified documents that have come into our hands discloses plans from the ubiquitous White House. An unnamed (for obvious reasons) reliable source sent the papers in a Piggly Wiggly shopping bag.

Unfortunately for our unnamed source he had left his receipt in the bag. Through it our ever unrestful team of crack reporters were able to track him down (Thanks CSI for teaching us how). Through payola and threats we are assured of having several more classified documents in our hands for years to come. Concern was shown by a now disgruntled ex-employee that our methods were simply using Whitehouse tactics against 'one of our own'. In a meeting of our editorial staff it was determined to be ethical because we decided it is for the 'good of humanity'.

The current collection of papers tells of plans to round up, "every mother's son who expresses displeasure over the way this war is being run."

One page has several plans for what to do with those collected in what was termed "The Gathering" (A sometimes religious term which seemed fitting coming from this gang of fanatical fiends).

The plans included:

Reopening Alcatraz.
Pushing them onto a deep lake in leaky canoes.
Tar and feathering.
Sending them to Mexico for an exchange program.
Sending them to Alaska as forced labor for ANWAR drilling
Sacrificing them to Hawaii's volcanoes
And!!! Circled in red: Sending them to Guantanamo once it is empty.

Remember you read it here first!

The classified documents included plans for putting the unused trailers from the Katrina disaster at Guantanamo once the underfed and ill treated freedom fighters are released back into the wild.

A memo that appeared to be in Vice President Cheney's handwriting said: "6 months of living in those trailers will have them ready to vote Republican. We can pump in real loud Country and Western music too!"

Another memo asked, "Should we give them copies of AlGores book if they demand them?

Scrawled across the bottom was the answer. "Let them read Bibles!"

Calls to the Whitehouse from our cell phone were not retur


Technorati Tags -